I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
