its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
