Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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