I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
