I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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