my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
