..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize
