don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
