I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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