listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
