The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
