I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
