Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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