How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
