Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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