Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
