My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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