My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
