I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
