I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
