I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
