so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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