Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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