why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
