I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
