I'm going to rape someone's good day.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Randomize
