I will die if light touches me.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
