The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
