I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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