we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
