At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
