I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Randomize
