my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
