umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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