Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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