dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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