i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He did a backflip because drugs
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
