Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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