Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
