I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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