You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
