I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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