she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
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