i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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