I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Randomize
