I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
