He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
