Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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