she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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