from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Randomize
