Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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